The Matrix : A Parody
by RangerGirl
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. This is a parody of The Matrix. ^_~
1. Chapter I

THE MATRIX : A PARODY SCRIPT  
  
A COMPUTER SCREEN. STUFF appears. Many NUMBERS scroll. A PHONE CONVERSATION is heard.  
  
CYPHER: You weren't supposed to relieve me.  
  
TRINITY: I know, but I felt like getting my pretty face into the movie as soon as possible.  
  
CYPHER: Whatever. You like obsessively stalking him, don't you? He's gonna die.  
  
TRINITY: Obviously you haven't read the script. Now shut up, I have to go and kick ass.  
  
OUTSIDE in the STREET:  
  
AGENT SMITH: Aren't I cool? Observe my bad-ass DARK GLASSES!  
  
LEIUTENANT: .Which you wear at night. When it is dark.  
  
AGENT SMITH: Do not MOCK the UBER-SHADES, insolent mortal! By the way, your men are dead.  
  
LEIUTENANT: I think we can handle one little girl.  
  
INSIDE: ONE LITTLE GIRL kicks some ASS.  
  
TRINNITY: I'm really only in this movie for sex appeal. I kick lots of ass in tight leather.  
  
MALE AUDIENCE: *drool*  
  
TRINITY uses the PHONE.  
  
MORPHEUS: Get out of there! The agents are coming for you. *spooky music*  
  
TRINITY: Works for me - I get to run around in my tight black leather.  
  
She DOES SO. An impressive CHASE SCENE (an essential in any successful action movie) ensues. TRINITY jumps IMPOSSIBLE DISTANCES, sails through a window and crashes down some stairs.  
  
TRINITY: Yeah.Ouch v_V  
  
She runs towards a PHONE, raced by a LARGE TRUCK.  
  
TRINITY: Must..get..to.phone! I must have my four cheese pepperoni!  
  
She picks up the PHONE and VANISHES.  
  
AUDIENCE:...the hell? What's with the phones?  
  
NEO'S APARTMENT. It is a typical COMPUTER GEEK paradise. NEO, a typical COMPUTER GEEK, is asleep in front of his computer.  
  
FANGIRLS IN AUDIENCE: *sigh*  
  
COMPUTER: Wakie wakie.  
  
NEO: Eh?  
  
COMPUTER: The Matrix has you. Follow the white rabbit.  
  
NEO: o_O.  
  
COMPUTER: Knock, knock.  
  
NEO: Ooh, who's there?  
  
Who is there, it turns out, is the LEATHER BIKER CREW - a typical unshaven BIKER with his leather-clad SLUT. Unspecified ILLEGAL ACTIVITY occurs, involving a computer disk.  
  
GUY: You okay? You look more pasty and blank than usual. Let's hit the dance floor.  
  
NEO:..Of course, because I'm clearly SUCH a party animal -_- 


	2. Chapter II

Alright, well first of all thanks to everyone who reviewed - you all get a cookie. Or, y'know, go and get yourselves one. =P Hi MotherEarth, thanks for the comment - I do definitely take your point about there being a lot of these parody scripts on ff.net. But since outtakes are banned.well, options are kind of limited. Parody scripts are just what I do, though the idea's not terribly original. Thanks anyway though, I am doing my best to make this script entirely my own, i.e not too similar to any others.  
  
NEO follows the WHITE RABBIT TATTOO to a CLUB, where he skulks in a corner, seemingly trying to FOLD INTO HIMSELF.  
  
TRINITY: Hello Neo.  
  
NEO: Uh-huh.  
  
TRINITY: Hey, look. I'm wearing a revealing outfit!  
  
NEO: (uninterested) Hmm.  
  
TRINITY: -_- I hacked a big computer system once.  
  
NEO: Wow! Really?  
  
TRINITY: You're in danger.  
  
NEO: .Y'know, as chat-up lines go, that wasn't the greatest.  
  
TRINITY: I know why you hardly sleep, live alone, eat takeout pizza every night and have an inability to communicate with people.  
  
NEO:.Because I'm a geek?  
  
TRINITY: You want to know what the Matrix is.  
  
AUDIENCE:.As do we, damnit!  
  
TRINITY: The answer is out there.  
  
NEO: Well thanks, that's helpful. Bloody cryptic answers.  
  
TRINITY: Just wait till you meet Morpheus.  
  
NEO suddenly and unexpectedly WAKES UP.  
  
NEO:..Talking computers. White rabbits. Me in a nightclub...I have GOT to cut back on the cheese before bedtime.  
  
NEO'S WORKPLACE: predictably, a large software company.  
  
BOSS: Late again, you worthless scum. Go sit in your pokey little cubicle and pretend to work.  
  
FEDEX GUY: Hey, look! I have a FEDEX package!  
  
NEO: Woo. Product placement.  
  
He pulls out a NOKIA PHONE.  
  
NEO: Woo. More product placement.  
  
AUDIENCE:.OK seriously, what the hell is with the phones?  
  
Predictably, it RINGS.  
  
MORPHEUS: Neo. You're in danger. They're coming for you.  
  
NEO: Great. Never get tired of hearing that.  
  
MORPHEUS: If you want to escape, run, and keep low to the ground.  
  
NEO RUNS skittishly around the office, crouching as much as possible, generally looking like a COMPLETE IDIOT.  
  
NEO: Suuure. THIS won't attract attention.  
  
MORPHEUS: You can escape from here. Bye now. *hangs up*  
  
NEO: *looks at scaffolding* Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.  
  
He attempts to scale down the building at TERRIFYING HEIGHTS. Justifiably, he WIGS OUT.  
  
NEO: Between police custody and certain death? I'll take these shade- wearing dudes. 


	3. Chapter III

Hi again, all. Well, thanks a lot for all the reviews. I love reviews. They ish my friends ^.^ Here's the third chapter. Kicking off with, yes indeed, some Good Agent Bad Agent. Thanks for those visuals there, SmithLurve4eva @_@  
  
At the STATION, NEO is QUESTIONED.  
  
AGENT SMITH: Alright, now I'm going to be creepy and chillingly suave, while my two cronies here pretend they're an integral part of the story. I will also sporadically remove and replace my UBER-SHADES on my face, correlating directly with how threatening I wish to be.  
  
NEO: Got it.  
  
AGENT SMITH: So, Mr Aaanderson. You've committed one heck of a lot of crimes, but we can forget all that, provided you co-operate.  
  
NEO: Hmm.Nope.  
  
AGENT SMITH: Fine. *puts on the shades*  
  
NEO'S MOUTH suddenly SEALS and DISAPPEARS.  
  
AUDIENCE: 0_0  
  
NEO: O.O Mmmmph! Mm mmmm mmmmppphhhh! Mmph mmm!  
  
GROSS STUFF THAT HAPPENS TO NEO COUNT: 1  
  
NEO'S SHIRT gets RIPPED OPEN.  
  
FANGIRLS: Mmmmm..^_^  
  
SMITH pulls out a BIZARRE WIRE BUG THING. It crawls INTO NEO through his STOMACH.  
  
AUDIENCE: O.O  
  
NEO: MMMMMMMPPPPPHHHHHHH!  
  
GROSS STUFF THAT HAPPENS TO NEO COUNT: 2  
  
NEO wakes up in his BEDROOM. AGAIN.  
  
AUDIENCE:.Eh? Wha?  
  
NEO: .OK, seriously now. No more cheese. Ever. Still, at least this means I'm safe. That whole crazy day and the bug and the scary agents was all just a screwed up dream.  
  
The PHONE RINGS.  
  
NEO:.Goddamnit ~_~  
  
MORPHEUS: Me again. Luckily the agents are pretty stupid. If they knew the truth, you'd be dead.  
  
NEO: Thank you, that's very comforting.  
  
MORPHEUS: Here, have some more cryptic advice. You're the one. Now, go to the Adams Street bridge.  
  
ADAMS STREET BRIDGE. Just to cheer things up, it is POURING with TORRENTIAL RAIN. A CAR picks NEO up.  
  
SWITCH: Hi, I'm a completely pointless character. Take off your shirt.  
  
FANGIRLS:.We like Switch. Smart girl.  
  
NEO: Why am I being treated like a terrorist here?  
  
SWITCH: Shut up and do as we say.  
  
NEO: No.  
  
TRINITY: Please?  
  
NEO: Okay.  
  
TRINITY pulls out a scary-ass METAL DEVICE.  
  
TRINITY: I think you're bugged.  
  
AUDIENCE: OK..so that WASN'T a dream? 0_o?  
  
TRINITY points the scary-ass DEVICE at NEO.  
  
TRINITY: Try to relax.  
  
NEO: Sure. I'm relaxed. This is relaxing. -_-.  
  
TRINITY pulls the LIVE BUG out of NEO and makes a SMOOTHIE out of it.  
  
NEO: ARRRGH!  
  
GROSS STUFF THAT HAPPENS TO NEO COUNT: 3 


	4. Chapter IV

*loves reviewers* Thanks for the feedback! And the compliments! Glad to know y'all liked it so much ^_^. Here's the next bit.  
  
A LARGE, CONFUSING BUILDLING.  
  
MORPHEUS: Ah, we meet at last.  
  
NEO: It's an honour.  
  
MORPHEUS: No, the honour is mine.  
  
NEO: No, I insist, the honour is entirely.  
  
TRINITY: Oh stop being civil and get on with it.  
  
MORPHEUS: I imagine you must be feeling a bit like Alice.  
  
NEO: If that means I'm soaking wet, angry, confused, questioning my own sanity and trying to forget the memory of having a LIVE BUG inside me and then SUCKED OUT.Then yes, you could say that.  
  
MORPHEUS: Want to know what the Matrix is?  
  
AUDIENCE: Oh God yes.  
  
MORPHEUS: The Matrix is everywhere, it's all around us, here even in this room.  
  
NEO: .  
  
MORPHEUS: But no-one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.  
  
AUDIENCE: GAH! _  
  
MORPHEUS: I'm going to give you a choice. It's a very significant, symbolic choice, and it's the part of this movie EVERYBODY remembers. The blue pill lets you wake up and forget this crazy shit. The red pill lets you find out the truth, and what the Matrix is.  
  
NEO, obviously, takes the RED PILL.  
  
MORPHEUS: OK. That pill is designed to disrupt your nerve signals, or something, so we can find you.  
  
NEO: What does that mean?  
  
CYPHER: Look! I'm threatening in a cynical and sarcastic manner!  
  
NEO pokes a MIRROR, which turns into STICKY GOO and COATS HIS HAND.  
  
NEO: o_O;;;  
  
MORPHEUS: Have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real? If you were unable to awake from that dream, how would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?  
  
NEO: At this point, I'm thinking the dream world would probably be less BIZARRE.  
  
The GOO coats NEO'S ENTIRE BODY. Camera pans through his LUNGS.  
  
AUDIENCE: Oh.lovely.  
  
Bit of a short chapter this time, but never fear - the next part will be up sometime in the next week. And we have..the SLIMY POD sequence! Hehehehehe. 


	5. Chapter V

ANGLE ON: A SLIMY POD. What appears to be NEO emerges from it. He is very SLIMY and BALD.  
  
GROSS STUFF THAT HAPPENS TO NEO COUNT: 4  
  
We see that there are MILLIONS of GROSS, SLIMY PODS, each with a blissfully unsuspecting NUDE, BALD PERSON inside. This is really quite DISTURBING. Yet another SCARY-ASS METAL DEVICE appears. It GRABS NEO and YANKS a WIRE out of him. All the other WIRES stuck in him proceed to POP OUT.  
  
GROSS STUFF THAT HAPPENS TO NEO COUNT: 5  
  
NEO is SUCKED down through a TUNNEL, and picked up by a - yep, you guessed it - SCARY-ASS METAL DEVICE. He is lifted up into a HOVERCRAFT, and PASSES OUT. Fair enough.  
  
NEO: Am I dead?  
  
MORPHEUS: Nope.  
  
NEO: Darn.  
  
While NEO sleeps, he seems to be IMPALED by many POINTY NEEDLEY THINGS.  
  
MORPHEUS: We're rebuilding your muscles, now, by the way. Hence the bizarre acupuncture.  
  
NEO: Why do my eyes hurt?  
  
MORPHEUS: You've never used them before. Plus, you're surrounded by unnaturally bright neon bulbs.  
  
Later, NEO wakes up on a BED. With HAIR. And CLOTHES.  
  
FANGIRLS: *relieved sighs*  
  
He finds that there is a PLUGHOLE in the back of his HEAD.  
  
NEO: ...Eh. After all the other crazy shit, that's actually fairly mundane.  
  
MORPHEUS: Welcome to my ship, the Nebuchadnezzar. Yeah, don't worry, you won't be expected to remember the name. Now. You wanted to know what the Matrix is, Neo? The answer is right here.  
  
AUDIENCE: Oh, FINALLY.  
  
NEO: It better be worth that ordeal.  
  
NEO is strapped into a SEAT.  
  
MORPHEUS: Try to relax.  
  
NEO:.I'm learning that when you people tell me that, it can mean nothing good.  
  
There are several DISTURBING NOISES as a WIRE is jabbed into NEO's NECK.  
  
GROSS STUFF THAT HAPPENS TO NEO COUNT: 6  
  
Well, there it is folks - the slimy pod sequence is complete! Sorry for the long wait, I hadn't forgotten you, but the SCHOOLWORK of DOOM is taking up a lot of my time. School must diiiie.exams must diiiie. 


End file.
